© copyright 1994 W.J.Bethancourt III
It seems that, not too long ago (yes, Unca Wu, it was in a Galaxy far too close for comfort) there lived a large, green, scaly skinned Monster... ..named Fred.
FRED THE MONSTER!
(insert Ominous Music of your choice)
Fred was not happy. He lived in the sewers and subways of New York City, and this, to his mind, was not cool.
It was even more uncool that, every time he would say hello to people, they would invariably shriek:
"EEEEK! It's a green, scaly skinned Monster come to eat us up!" and run away. Even New York cab-drivers would run away.
Fred was THAT ugly!
This meant that Fred had no friends....except one Witch that lived in the East Village. So he went to her for help.
He knocked on her apartment door, and, when she answered, said pleadingly:
"O Witch of the East (Village, that is) can you help me? People run and scream when they see me, and I can't make any friends! Is it my breath, or something?"
Fred looked down at his shoes. (yes, he wore shoes. Size 235 HUGE.)
The Witch looked at him, shuddered at his breath, and said "Let's have a look in the Magick Crystal Ball (Pat. Pend.)"
She looked, and stepped back in amazement.
"Fred," she said," You aren't really a monster!"
"Oh Boy!" thought Fred, "I'm a Prince! Under enchantment, even!"
"How do I get changed back into my real form?" Fred asked.....his eyes were as big as streetlights with eagerness....
"You must break bread with a human being.....I don't count, 'cause I live in the East Village." said the Witch.
"RIGHT!" said Fred. " I can just see it now: I ask a person to have dinner and they'll think they are the main course! A fat lot of help you are!"
And Fred sadly turned, and walked down the street, tears dripping off his nose and falling in the oil-stained puddles on the concrete.
His heart felt like Death inside him, and his soul was disturbed.
(Note: last passage was Literary Stuff...)
Then, he saw a Sign on the door of a Hotel:
THE UMPTY-UPMPT WORLD SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION!
COSTUME BALL TONITE!
FREE FOOD AND BHEER!
Well....um....nothing will draw green, scaly skinned monsters out of the woodwork faster than free Bheer, so in he went, and in no time at all, they had dragged him up to receive First Prize for the finest Costume, both Ball and Hall, at the WorldCon. Ever. (Except for the 359 person presentation of Hookers of Gor, of course.....*sigh*)
Fred stood there, holding the trophy, when Steven Spielberg walked up, and said "Fred! That's GREAT FX work! Come down to the Coffee Lounge, we'll have a bite to eat, and let's talk about you working for me!"
(a pregnant pause!)
(OK, so maybe a not-so-pregnant pause?)
So they went to the Lounge, ordered food, and Spielberg took a bite of his sandwich, and Fred took a bite of his sandwich, there was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, a clap of thunder, a hearty "Hi-Yo Silver," the waitress ducked, and Fred was immediately changed into...........
............a large, very green, Frog.
Moral: Know who you really are, even if you're not sure.
