The Normon Conquest of 1066 is a high spot in the history books, and as a student of history, I was very excited when the opportunity recently presented itself to travel to Salt Lake City and visit some of those historic places.

We arrived in Salt Lake City late in the afternoon, and proceeded to go look around the Temple Square, as I wanted to see these Normons for myself.

I was astonished to find no real evidences of horns, nor tails upon any of the inhabitants. On inquiry, I was told that the horns and tails are removed at birth, and if one looks very closely, the small circular scars are visible on the foreheads of the male members of the group. The females hide the scars by their upswept hairstyles.

Genetic engineering was instituted some years ago, breeding the horn and tail genes out of the population, though some rudimentary scales and tail stubs can be observed on the young.

Some of the older Normons, however, have never had the horns nor tail removed, and the sight of an elderly Normon strolling down the street switching his tail back and forth and balancing his baseball cap on his horns can be unnerving to the unprepared.

I was unable to investigate whether or not they still had hooves, as most have learned to wear shoes.

As I am a fan of ethnic food, I wanted to eat at a Normon restaurant. I asked for a Stakehouse, but was told that this was not the place for Normon cuisine. I was offered a plate of Jello, with unidentified small chunks of fruit floating in it, and was told that this constitutes the staple of the Normon diet. It had something called "fry sauce" on it, as does all food here. I didn't believe this until we ate at both a Chinese, and a Mexican restaurant, when the waitress brought us large jars of fry sauce with our food, and expected us to use them.

Fry sauce is apparently made from a mixture of mayo and catsup, with other unidentified ingredients. These ingredients are rumored to be obtained from various chemical plants and nuclear facilities in the area. It dissolved my spoon in about two minutes, and proved to be very useful for polishing my car and killing ants.

Judging by their driving habits, the Normons have a confident expectancy in the afterlife, and are personally assured of their place in Heaven.

When I asked about the arcane rituals and baby sacrifices at the Temple, the attendant told me that the next ones were not scheduled until after we were due to leave, so we missed that portion of our trip. The attendant -did- give me a free jar of fry sauce, though.

The statue of the Angel Macaroni on the Temple's peak is very nice.

I have an interest in genealogy, so we visited the Genealogy library, and were able to trace my wife's ancestry, due to her American Indian great grandmother, all the way back to a Jewish tailor in Jerusalem two years after the conquest of Caanan by the Israelites. (He had an excellent recipe for fry sauce.)

I am pleased to report that apparently the Utah Highway Patrol is saving the taxpayers quite a bit of money by bee-keeping (the bee is a totem animal of the Normons), as a beehive is prominent upon the roofs of their patrol stations. One can see this beehive design everywhere, even on the fry sauce jars, and the biker tattoos.

There is quite a beautiful Masonic temple in Salt Lake City, but when I asked a passing (older) Normon about it, he responded, while violently switching his tail, "You mean that vacant lot over there?" The Masons are apparently invisible to ethnic Normons.

All in all, it was a fun time, and a most interesting visit. You have to -really like- fry sauce, though.