WEST POLE

These are some of the opening screens of the late (and much lamented) Deus Ex Machina BBS, of Phoenix, AZ, telling a continuing story of sorts. "Ioseph" was Joe Bethancourt, and "Petruccio" was Pat Cuccurello, the SysOps. "Norma Jean" was the name of the IBM that ran the BBS, and the others mentioned in the story are all real people of sorts who were friends and users of the BBS in the Big Corporate Medieval Re-Enactment Group. It was a lot of fun writing these, and it made the opening screens a lot more interesting.....

There were also control codes within the messages that would insert the user's name in strategic places of the story....this gets -evil- real fast! We've demonstrated this here with a script file that you should have filled out in the beginning.

INTRODUCTION

In 1990, DEUS EX MACHINA BBS lay in ruins. The hordes of Cult-crazed Gerbils-from-Hell had overrun the concrete and barbed-wire Fortress that housed it.

The only ones who escaped alive were Petruccio de Catalonia, better known as Pet. de Cat., and Ioseph of Locksley, better known as Ioseph of Locksley. Along with them were Gunther the Burgundian Barbarian, Unca Wu (who has the power to cloud gerbil's minds), and a small dog that will not appear again in this story. Norma Jean is there, too, of course. And Bruce.

Lurking behind a rock is the Dread Cirostan MacAppleuser, late of Clan MacAnical, who cannot stand the light of day.

As our story opens, we hear the Gerbils-from-Hell chanting their War Chant:

"Dom-da-diddy, Dom-da-diddy, oo-wah-oo-wah!"

CHAPTER THREE
"Lemon curry, Mr. Christian? I don't think so!"

[As we join our story (already in progress) it has been discovered that there is a miniature Godzilla Monster in drag following Our Intrepid Heroes. It keeps swearing in badly lip-synced Japanese because its' nylons keep getting tangled in the undergrowth. It is carrying a WW II Panzer Faust under its' arm, and is in a Very Grumpy Mood.]

"Oh, LOOK!" squeals Inga-from-Sweden, cutely. "There's good ol' ThunderPud!"

"Aye, lass," growls the Long John Silver Impersonator, " And he seems to have found a water hole! Beware of the Black Spot!"

"I didn't know we had a dog....." muttered Unca Wu.

"Shhh!" whispered Ioseph, "The dog isn't supposed to be in this story!"

CHAPTER THREE AND TWO/THIRDS

[As we join our story, currently in progress, our Brave and Intrepid band of Adventurers and Hooligans are surveying the battlefield of Estrella VII]

"Golly," said Inga-from-Sweden, breathlessly, "I never knew there were so many Caidans in all the world!"

"Yes," said Trelon, Ducally, "And we have defeated them. We even won the Arts Point, though Ghod alone knows how!"

"This may be all very well," said Pet-de-Cat, kittenishly, "But the MØØSE has found us!"

Cirostan MacAppleuser laughed fiendishly, and said, "YES! And now I shall have my long-awaited revenge!"

What next? And who are those Mongol Hordes that deny strenuously any responsibility? And -where- are Trelon's socks? Could it be another PLOT is unfolding? And just where are Unca Wu and Ioseph? And what about the Aardvark?

CHAPTER EIGHT
"My sister was bit by a masseuse once..."

[As we join our story (already in progress) our two Heroes have discovered that the dead Giraffe was really a mouse in a Very Clever Disguise. As they remove the Secret Papers, the miniature Godzilla runs up and steals 's pocket-watch. ThunderPud tries to stop the theft, but only succeeds in crushing the Yuppie neighbor's Volvo into very small bits]

"Gosh, Petruccio," sighs Inga-from-Sweden, "I never knew it would be like this!"

"UNGHA BLARF WOOGA GRUNK SNARF," replies Pet. de Cat.

Inga looks at him in shock! "Why, Petruccio! I didn't know you spoke Swedish!"

"Hmpf. I STILL can't get this Giraffe to run," says Unca Wu. "Must use regular gasoline. Anybody got a 3/8" socket?"

"LOOK OUT!" screams Cirostan MacAppleuser, "The MØØSE is back!"

CHAPTER NINE
"Time out! We need a luncheon break!"

[As we join our story (already in progress) Our Most Worthy Heroes are joined by Unca Wu and Inga-from-Sweden. The short-wave radio has failed, and Gunther is out of admonition. The Evil MØØSE has left MØØSE bytes all over Norma Jean's posterior, and she is bandaged by Cirostan MacAppleuser. Then, a feral moan is heard in the distance......]

"What was that?" whispered Inga-from-Sweden, crushing closer than close to Petruccio.

"I don't know, but I wish it would do that again....." grins Pet. de Cat.

"Perhaps that is not such a wise choice, oh Most Dumb One," says Unca Wu, "Behold!"

And over the ridge could be seen SARAH-THE-HUN, the calico feline from Hell.....and she had her chain-saw and hockey mask with her!

CHAPTER WHATEVER

[As we join our story (already in progress) Our Noble Heroes have found the Secret Camp of the Televangelist Tribe. The tribe has mistaken them for the Holy Pickle, and are wining and dining them in a state of frenzy.]

"OOOH! Petruccio! Do computer-nerds *always* do that?" Inga-from-Sweden's voice echoed from the dark of a grass hut. "And why are you doing such a thing with a perfectly good dish of Mrs. Gumby's Lemon Curry?"

"Well!" said somebody, huffily, "I never in my WHOLE LIFE!"

"Bet you did at least once!" said Wu with a Wu-like leer.

But then the background music built to an eerie wail, and the steel antlers of the MØØSE GOD were seen to appear from the darkness!

"Look out!" cried Ioseph, "They've found us!"

CHAPTER TWELVE
"Are you quite sure this is the right place?"

[As we join our story (already in progress) our two Heroes are locked in mortal combat with the Wombat Ninja Hordes. Ammunition is running low, and the triumphant chanting of the Wombats and their evil MØØSE shaman can be heard over the crackling of the burning mealie-bags]

"Gosh, Petruccio," sighs Inga-from-Sweden, "You'd think they'd have a sauna around here SOMEWHERE!"

"Fear not, faire Lady!" replies Pet. de Cat., "We have 'em Surrounded!"

Inga looks at him in shock! "Why, Petruccio! I didn't know you spoke Swedish!"

"Hmpf.If I could just get this Giraffe to run," says Unca Wu. "I know of an ancient legend that we could turn to our advantage......"

"Gimme the .50 cal." says Gunther, "And I'll show ya a TRICK!"

CHAPTER TWENTY
"Quick, Watson! The game's a Foot!"

[As we join our story (already in progress) our two Heroes are standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower, watching the sinister form of the Zeppelin fade into the morning mist.]

"Well, Ioseph," says Petruccio with a sigh, " There goes Inga, back to Sweden to face....God knows what."

"Yes." Ioseph's face was lined with care, and tired. "But she goes knowing that you loved her, and loved her well and truly."

"I truly pray that it is so." said Petruccio, " But we have other concerns that face us..."

And it was so, for at the bottom of the tower could be seen the evil Doctor Gloom holding Unca Wu hostage at the point of a MIDI capable Doberman.

Wu looked worried.

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
"Weasel Fighting in 10th Century Armenia"

[As we join our story (already in progress) our two Heroes have joined forces with the Dread Pirate Roberts and an itinerant seller of fraudulent weasels. Having been marooned inside Mrs. Gumby's kitchen, and fighting off attacks by frenzied Pee-Wee Herman Impersonators ...... the Situation looks Grim!

In the bare nick of time, a party of Policeman Impersonators bursts into the kitchen, and rescues our Heroes from Certain Death!]

"Cor Blimey, mate!" says Hamlet, "Had yer in a bit of a squeeze!

"Sure is a good thing you had the Dead Parrot along!" growls ol' ThunderPud, "Help me get these nails out...."

"Ooooh, Petruccio!" says Inga-the-Tall-Blonde-From-Sweden, "For a computer-nerd you sure have big muscles!"

"I wonder if we could mail this tactical nuke to the BoD?" says Ioseph. "Think it might get their attention?"

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
(and a half)
[As we join our story (already in progress) Our Noble Heroes have been tramping thru the Wild Rain Forest, dodging the Evil Emmissary of the Merovingian Conspiracy and his sugar-crazed minions of DOOM. Supplies are running low, and all there is to eat is two or three slabs of bacon and the Lobster Thermidor in Pet. de Cat.'s back pocket. Times are tough.)

"Listen!" said someone, "Do you hear that?"

"Yes, I do," said Unca Wu with grim foreboding, "And I am Grimly Foreboded by what that might portend..."

"Yes," said the Small Dog That Should Not Be In This Story, "It sounds to me like it might be the Theme from Conan the Barbarian, played on 13th Century Fluegelpipes, and that can only mean One Thing!"

And it was so, for, as they tramped into the next clearing, they came upon the Dreaded MUSCLE SPA OF DOOM!

CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO

[As we join our story (already in progress) Our Noble Heroes have been trying to free somebody from the Behemoth Trap. The drums of the Mohawk Indians were rising to a wild frenzy in the forest around them, and the inane giggles of the Pee-Wee Herman Impersonators were closer each second. looked worried.]

"Good God, Ioseph!" whispered Pet. de Cat. "That looks like INGA over there!"

"OOOH! Petruccio! For a computer-nerd you SURE have BIG muscles!" The voice was undoubtedly Inga-from-Sweden, but her lithe Swedish sauna-formed body was covered in a burlap sack, leaving only her face bare. She smelled of lemon curry.

"What happened, Inga?" said Petruccio, wrinkling his nose.

"It is too horrible to tell, sweet Pet. de Cat.!" she replied. " I was trapped in the Pits below Denny's on 43rd Ave. by the Waitress from Hell!"

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
"Where Is Paul Simon When We Need Him"

CHAPTER FIFTY-ELEVEN
"Are you quite sure this is the Loudon road?"

[Our Heroes are lost in the jungle of Khamballa, home of the Mongol Gerbils from Hell. Inga-from-Sweden is very thirsty, and needs a sauna badly.

Ioseph has found a Cryptic Massage, and restored it to life with clever applications of gelignite, hoping to discover a Clue.

Pet. de Cat. is hiding in a tree, as he has heard that Cirostan MacAppleuser is in the neighborhood, looking for him.

Wu has wandered off searching for gasoline.

In the distance, the chanting of the Gerbils can be heard, and there is no duct tape available for miles. The situation looks grim.]

"Hm!" says Ioseph, "This is a new development! Looky here!"

CHAPTER NINETY-ELEVEN

[As we join our story (already in progress), Unca Wu has finally found the parts he needed to get the dead giraffe running again and is looking for gasoline. Cirostan MacAppleuser is asleep by the dying embers of the fire, and is unaware of the EYES watching her on the other side of the thorn boma]

Suddenly, an unearthly scream was heard from the jungle!

"Kreegah!" shuted Unca Wu. "Wu bundolo SCAmangani!" Wu looked around at the jungle with his eyes glaring!

"Calm down, Wu..." said Ioseph, calmly. "Ain't nothin' out there that can outrun a .44 Mangle-em, and besides, you look crazed enough to have scared them off!"

"Wish I had one of Silly Hats with me.." mumbled Cirostan.

Then there was a great crashing from the jungle!

"Look out!" they shouted, "That doberman may be loaded!"

CHAPTER NINETY

[As our story continues, the Expedition, larger now, continues on thru the deep jungle of Darkest Cincinnatti. The natives are restless, and Valium (tm) don't help. The body of the harpooned Fubba-Wubba looms behind them still, and as our story opens.....]

"Oh dear me," they said, "Can it REALLY be what I think it is?"

"It could very well be, but then again, maybe not." said the Small Dog who is not in this story.

"Shaddup!" said Pet-de-Cat, "Yer not in this story!"

Cirostan MacAppleuser looked aghast. Inga looked dumb. Ioseph looked again. Unca Wu looked twice. ThunderPud scratched his nose.

"My God!" breathed Cirostan, "It's.....the Dead Parrot!"

They had found the Dead Parrot of the MacPythons!

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR

[As we join our story (already in progress) Our Noble Heroes have been captured by the band of maurauding Pee Wee Herman Impersonators. They have been tied to the Comfy Chair, and Cardinal Xiemenez, Bishop Wazoo and Fang are leering at them, telling them of the three (NO! FOUR!) ways of Confessing to the Inquisition.]

"Well, Petruccio, I guess now is the time to hope that Unca Wu is out there with his Power to cloud the minds of Gerbils!" says Ioseph.

"Yes, indeed!" says Petruccio, "Especially since these doughheads seem to lack women I can work my Cavalier Wiles on!"

Just then, there was a noise in the underbrush!

"Kreegha!" came a Mighty Shout! It was Unca Wu, and boy was he upset!

Someone had stolen his hunchback, and was using it for an ottoman!

'N OTHER CHAPTER
"Who's Afraid of Dancing With Virginia Woolves?"

[As we join our story, already in progress, we find that the maddened band of Hollywood Directors has changed the storyline yet again, trying for Mass Appeal. Unca Wu has written a new musical, entitled "Three Days And Nights In a Sleazy Bar," and the Small-Dog-Who-Is-Not-In-This-Story has bitten one of the Directors in a Sensitive Place, namely, his wallet.]

"'Od's Bodkins!" shouted the Long John Silver Impersonator, "Gor blimey! Arr!" He stomped away on the remains of his peg-leg and screamed curses on the Teenage Ninja Termites of Death that had brought him low.

"Gosh," said Inga, brainlessly, "He's sure upset!"

"Say that again, Inga," said Pet-de-Cat, "You inhale in a most fascinating manner!"

"The heck with that!" said Gunther, "Where's the .50 cal.?"

CHAPTER TWO
"Two weeks as a Cabin Boy on a ship of fools!"

[We come upon our Heroic Heroes upon the deck of a whaling ship in the year 1885. Captain Nemo is commanding, and in the topefo'c's'le t'weendeck stands a Famous Author, scribbling notes furiously. A storm is raging all around, sweeping the wooden decks wth salty spray and old empty Hamm's beer cans. A sailor walks up to Pet. de Cat. and says, with a wicked gleam in his eye,]

"Call me Ishmeow. I harpoon fat cats."

Ioseph looked at the sailor's deformed arms, and his squint, and the pipe sticking out of his mouth above a protuberant chin. The sailor walked away, muttering "Arf! Arf! Arf!"

Just then, the lookout cried: " A whale! A whale! It's a whale- fish!" (he cried) "And she blows on every strand, brave boys!"

Unca Wu jumped up with a happy, yet crazed gleam in his eye. "Quick, Queequeg! My harpoon!"

But it was no whale. It was the Original Attitudinal Cat, the DREAD ACHLANN, the Fattest Cat In The World, and he was out for revenge!

CHAPTER THREE
"It's Alive! It's Alive!"

[As we join our story, currently in progress, our heroes have landed in darkest Goodyear, Arizona, and are Very Confused.]

"Gosh," said Pet de Cat, "This looks like a nice park to have lunch in! Sweetie-punkins, would you break out the ginger ale?"

The slap that he received from Unca Wu was nuclear, but any altercation was forestalled by the sound of stampeding buffalo!

It was the invading hordes from the war-mongering Elizabethans of CAID! And they hadn't bathed in a LONG time! UGH!

[Will Duke Trelon pull this one off? What will Caid do? And what about the rest? Why is the Dark Horde laughing? Tune in after the WAR and find out!]

APPENDIX

The Off-Line Reader was played by Ozzy Osborne
Petruccio was played by Himself
Ioseph was played by Sam Steiger
Cirostan MacAppleuser was played by Debbie Reynolds
Unca Wu was played by Robert Redford
ThunderPud was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger
Inga-from-Sweden was played by Love Güdbod (439-**** anytime!)
Norma Jean was played by a HAL 9000A3
The Evil MØØSE Shaman was played by Evan Mecham
Doktor Death and his Band were played by Pope John Paul George Ringo
The Zeppelin was played by John Cleese
The Little-Dog was played by Falach the Wonder Dog
and a Cast of Several Others.

Special Effects by White Tree Productions

Hey! If I can't be in the story, at least I can be a fancy button! Go away or we will taunt you for a second time!